hello, hello, hello.
i have been trying to writing this post for a while now. it is a bit different from what I normally put out on the ole web; but different is good, don't you think? props to you if you finish it all. i would mean kitties and sunflowers to me, truly.
as i have stated in past posts, this summer has been the best yet. with being able to drive, comes freedom (and way too many unneeded target runs). with traveling, comes being busy (and not a lot of time to be bored). with friends in town, comes spontaneous adventures (ahem, to anthropologie and antique malls. we go hard.). with surprising circumstances, comes time to grow (and a lot of time to think).
therefore, on that last statement, here's this: life happens. i have been saying this quite frequently after a surprising situation this season, but not really taken the time to process it. as i am writing this post, i am trying to steer clear from this being a too detailed this-is-for-you-jerk post (though that really would be easiest, truthfully), but also not too vague where you could think these words are just about my current issue at hand of not having enough milk for my cereal.
however, that actually is a real problem, but i won't get into that right now.
change used to be a really scary, daunting word for me. why? because it requires to get out of your comfort zone and be okay with not knowing the future. it also requires trust. and a whole lot of it. those were two quality traits that i, personally, did not have in my repertory. however, Jesus has changed that this year, this season, this summer especially.
over summer, the way i have grown and changed the most is through rejection. rejection is a word no one likes to say or admit they feel. it is like having to admit you ate 6 double chocolate chip cookies instead of a salad for dinner (nope, that has never happened to me). the truth is, rejection from anyone, whether you have known them for a while or it's just someone on the street, hurts. it's just does.
first I will talk about rejection from friends. over the years I have been softly rejected by friends, where it's just plain obvious they do not want to be around me. and that doesn't hurt for more than a day, honestly. yeah, okay you don't want to be friends with me, good for you. you are missing out on my crazy Netflix and pizza nights. it's your loss. see, easy peasy.
however, recently I have experienced being rejected by a close friend without any warning or speed bumps to slow me down and say "CATE, we have a problem 911". i need those kind of signs and shouts, guys, remember that. anyways, for one night I was upset about the situation, then a couple of days I went through the infamous i want to punch someone phase, but now, months later I can see how everything is working out for good. (guys, settle down. i did not want to hurt anyone. well, not that much). I constantly had the feeling of unfairness in the situation-- the fact that the friend got to speak his/her point and belittle me while I just sat there (though just sitting there was a choice-- if I were to speak in that situation my words would be rash and regretful). later, I felt as if I deserved to give him/her a piece of what pain I was experiencing, as if it were only fair for me to get all my anger and hurt across to the friend. however, life is not fair. I have learned that so, so many times from a very young age.
for example, there have been a few times in my life i have chosen to grow, but 99% of my life, i have been forced to grow. the first time was when my dad passed away due to cancer when i was in 2nd grade. man, this was/is hard. and, cancer, you suck. (before you virtually give me the "awww, bless your heart" look, continue reading please). the reality of this does not get easier with time. i still sometimes yearn for the cookie cutter family that so many of my friends obtain, or get upset by the fact that i do not have a father to walk me down the aisle someday (but, my awesome bros' will do me the honor, no worries). however the peace i have with this part of my life is so abundant and my thankfulness overflows. how? well, the only word i have to answer that question is Jesus. I would not without a doubt be who i am today without his presence in my life and through this experience. truthfully, i do not fully understand how this is possible, but i have learned to be okay with that. there is beauty in not knowing a plan that is way higher than your thoughts.
sometimes I just need to be reminded of the past ways Christ has worked in my life to understand the new ways he is working in me now. also, it's just not worth my time to dwell on things that I cannot change, and quite honestly now I don't want to change them.
everything happens for a reason. change will come your way whether you choose it or not. sometimes when it is chosen for you, it just shows that you were too stubborn to accept the need for it in the first place or be the one to initiate it. I am so grateful for healing and for life to continue on it's lovely track. that is a choice you have to make-- to be vulnerable to Christ and let him mold you into who he wants you to be. all this to say, change is such a beautiful chaos, and for that I am thankful.
in the meantime, i am just chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool (please, someone get my reference),
and letting Jesus deal with the rest.
...wait, just joking.
i cannot be cool if my life depended on it.